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We all strive for a relationship without any conflicts; yet, hardly any of us achieve it, mostly because we subconsciously repeat destructive behavioral patterns learned in early childhood. The phrase unconscious loving is partly self-explanatory: the authors use it to mark a relationship in which partners are not aware of the harmful behavioral patterns they are locked in. Unconscious loving causes pain, mistrust, and a lack of independence in a relationship. The most common form of unconscious loving is codependence.
The term itself comes from the field of alcoholism treatment. What often prevents an addicted person from recovering is an unhealthy relationship where another partner supports the addiction, as it is a part of a familiar pattern. A union based on codependence restrains people's potential, leaving them unhappy and frustrated.
By wanting to control our partner, we indirectly send them a message that we don't approve of their actions. Consequently, they try to please us, seeking our approval. Naturally, this makes them do things that are opposed to their instincts and beliefs. Ask yourself if you are codependent.
If you are, these are some of the issues you frequently face in a relationship:. If any of these sounds familiar, you are one step closer to conscious loving. Now, let's see what the main codependent behavioral patterns are. If you are in any of these traps, it's time to get more conscious about loving. First, let's learn what conscious loving means. Just as unconscious loving le to codependence, conscious loving le to co-commitment and co-creativity. Conscious loving is what we all wish to have.
We often forget that love is a powerful force, since we expect our relationships to provide us with survival and protection. As we seek security, we fall into traps of repeating the same behavioral patterns that, paradoxically, make us more dependent and insecure. Since this kind of relationship is free from codependent traps, conscious loving enhances our productivity and creativity. In a co-committed relationship, couples spend time exploring their individual potential. We found that we had access to much more creativity as a partnership than each of us ever had on our own.
The ultimate goal of co-commitment is co-creativity. In a co-creative relationship, people achieve more together than alone. After recognizing the behavioral patterns of unconscious love, we can move towards achieving co-commitment. What are the steps to follow? Before taking any steps, be aware that the journey to co-commitment will only be successful if both individuals are involved. The authors encourage readers to perceive the whole process as a lifetime project. It takes tremendous effort to work on it. However, the are undoubtedly fruitful, and you can achieve them in seven steps:.
Dealing with conflicts and embracing conscious loving means learning how to communicate with ourselves and with others. We might follow the steps listed in the section well, but if we don't give our thoughts and feelings a proper form, we stay in codependent unions. On their journey to co-commitment, the authors left their readers a lasting legacy — a guide to conscious love and Seeking conscious loving relationship relationships. Lastly, it reminds us that true love exists if we are ready to fight for it.
Begin your journey to co-commitment and co-creativity by changing your relationship habits. Instead of going to the Seeking conscious loving relationship or restaurants, find a simple project you and your partner can work on. By ing up, you will get a free 3-day Trial to enjoy everything that 12min has to offer. Kathlyn Hendricks has been a practicing psychotherapist and educator for more than 40 years. She is a leading theorist in the field of body intelligence and conscious loving. Gay Hendricks is a psychologist, educator, and the author of 14 books in his field.
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Start a free trial and gain access to the knowledge of the biggest non-fiction bestsellers. Summary We all strive for a relationship without any conflicts; yet, hardly any of us achieve it, mostly because we subconsciously repeat destructive behavioral patterns learned in early childhood.
What is unconscious loving and codependence? If you are, these are some of the issues you Seeking conscious loving relationship face in a relationship: You have difficulties allowing others to feel or act in a certain way. You find it hard to express feelings of anger and sadness. You criticize or get criticized frequently. To please others, you frequently do things you don't want to.
Your arguments are always about discovering who is at fault. One person is right and the other one apologizes, promising to do better next time. In my relationships I let people get away with destructive behavior.
It means that you unconsciously support your loved ones, even if they hurt themselves. Trap 2. I form relationships with people who let me get away with destructive patterns. This pattern is the opposite of the one. If you surround yourself with people who support your bad habits, then you are in a codependent trap. Trap 3. Many of us often copy our parents' style of loving instead of creating one that suits our relationship better. Trap 4. I form relationships with people whose personalities and behavior resemble that of one or both of my parents. It is not a problem if our partners and parents share positive traits.
The unconscious loving arises once they share the same flaws. Trap 5. By acting rebelliously, they base their life on anger, which is not a satisfying foundation. Trap 6. Out of childhood trauma a pattern is generated, and I play out that pattern repeatedly in my relationships.
Many troubling relationship patterns, rooted in childhood events, are repeated if the context is similar. Trap 7. I participate in continual conflict in my relationships, or I avoid conflict at all costs. Some people are addicted to arguments, and others try to avoid them. Both prevent them from having a relationship that is free of codependence. Trap 8. With the possibility of success at hand, I mess up. Avoiding achievements is often the result of a lack of confidence: messing up keeps us from having to go through the pain of a larger failure. Trap 9. Because I have never learned true independence, I create relationships in which I perpetuate dependence.
People are in this trap if they adjust their feelings and reactions to the needs of others.
Conscious loving: journey to co-commitment and co-creativity Just as unconscious loving le to codependence, conscious loving le to co-commitment and co-creativity. The seven steps to co-commitment Before taking any steps, be aware that the journey to co-commitment will only be successful if both individuals are involved. However, the are undoubtedly fruitful, and you can achieve them in seven steps: Step one: making commitments. Step two: learning to love yourself. Learning to love yourself means learning to separate actions from feelings — to love yourself even when you don't perform well.
When you start loving yourself, it will be easier for others to love you. Step three: learning to feel.
Step four: claiming creativity. Step five: learning to tell the microscopic truth. Since it reveals our deep and subtle feelings, microscopic truth is hard to tell. If you want to proceed to co-commitment, you have no choice but to practice telling it.
By withholding the truth, you are a step away from co-commitment and one step closer to codependence. Step six: keeping your agreements. Keeping agreements, whether they are big or little, is essential for a healthy relationship. Step seven: learning to live in a state of continuous positive energy. Feeling good and staying positive is not as easy as you think it is.
Try to do it without having to smoke cigarettes, eat candies, or buy new clothes. Make statements, don't Seeking conscious loving relationship questions. Don't use questions to hide your emotions. This means do not interfere with people's power by doing something for them that they ought to do or say for themselves. It happens when we want to avoid answering a question. The most common type of devaluation is interrupting people while they are speaking. Final Notes On their journey to co-commitment, the authors left their readers a lasting legacy — a guide to conscious love and valuable relationships.
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